I am swimming in a sea of confusion of what is and what isn’t. I can visualise many abstract concepts but those of faith dumbfound me. Why is that so? It’s like my dyscalculia, and dyspraxia, I have no issue with mathematics as long as I don’t need to visualise numbers or coordinates. I can count in units perfectly well, it’s multiples of the singular that confound me, if the problem requires large numbers I get all tangled up in groups of ones that nothing makes sense any more. I am useless with side to side, backwards and forwards, left and right, east and west, but have no problem with up and down or more or fewer dimensions.
I think this maybe why I am so drawn to theology, I cannot let go of logic and reasoning and so faith, religion and all that goes with it fascinates me. I was fool enough this morning to think that a deeper understanding of belief and truth would help me to learn what I do in fact believe. Unfortunately I cannot withdraw myself from the possibility that everything and nothing may exist or not. I have over generalised variability, everything is blurry and fuzzy. Someone mentioned Schroedinger’s Cat, the poor thing will forever be a zombie in my world! That radioisotope both has and hasn’t decayed continuously and both will and won’t forever.
I have been productive enough to add some more titles to my ‘must read’ list, for I feel so woefully under educated in things that can’t be explained by quantum decay and dynamics alone. Although that said, I am rather under educated there too! A lack of arithmetical ability is rather an arse when you’re trying to research subatomic physics.
I sit here typing while my youngest sleeps in her bouncy chair, her tiny little, sponge-like brain now processing the myriad experiences she has had today. Her first time in the shop across the road when I had to dash there with two smalls both with nappies that needed changing because I couldn’t find the wipes and I didn’t think to wash their bottoms with a flannel. Funny how mild panic can make you act. There she is, just a bundle of instincts and impulses, her curiosity is the most intense it will ever be because everything is so new to her. Not yet corrupted, still wide eyed and innocent, an almost blank slate, her story yet to be written.