It’s the Quiet Ones

Yesterday was an absolute nightmare of a day for me as a mum. I decided to take my three youngest children, 12, 3.5 and 6 months, out shopping alone. None of them were bad, just hard work. My 12 year old is currently undergoing assessment for learning/behavioural issues, my 3.5 yr old is strong willed and curious and my 6 month old is teething. 2 hours of pacifying and chasing children around our local Tesco Extra and I have decided I am not doing that alone again!

Luckily a cup of coffee with a dear friend visiting with her two girls calmed me down enough to finish off the day with a smile and a nice new house plant.

Today started off groggy, a lie-in was granted by my other half and it took a good couple of hours for me to be sane enough to accept guests. A friend came over with her daughter to drop off some clothes for my youngest and stayed for a cup of tea. I mooched around a while longer while my son had a bath and my 3 yr old went out with daddy. I finally dressed in time to receive my second guest of the day, the Reverend Kevin Ellis, hereafter referred to as Rev Kev.

Rev Kev is a different sort of person to your ‘normal’ average Joe. He is softly spoken, doesn’t particularly dally with pleasantries and is certainly not a people pleaser, he is not afraid to speak his mind and be blunt about it. This type of person pleases me as one knows exactly where one stands with honest people. When talking he is a prone as I am to wander off on tangents, but unlike me is particularly good at remembering his original thread.

We spoke of a few things and had coffee, occasionally interrupted by my youngest being unsettled, a couple of phone calls and my son joined us at one point and conversed in Welsh to our learner guest. We spoke of the difference between true believers in faith and those who do it as a token gesture because it is ‘the done thing’. We spoke briefly about different denominations of Christianity, especially how different from the mainstream Jehova’s Witnesses seem to be. I did most of the talking, I am sure this comes as no surprise to those who know me. We spoke of a mutual friend, her strength and her kindness, her tolerance and acceptance.

I talked about our right to judge and that without all necessary information one should not judge. We discussed it not being people’s place to judge from our differing view points and how those who call themselves Christians should leave it to their god (or a judge of law) to pass judgement of another person. We all have biology and experiences that shape us into the people we are and judgement should morally not be made with ignorance of these things. Many token Christians are of the believe that God will judge and forgive all their discretion an so act as if they can do no wrong, many token Christians think of themselves as close enough to God to pass judgement on others without first understanding them.

When it came time for Rev Kev to leave and walk the dogs I was left with a sense of peace that I always find I have after talking to true believers of faith. The message I receive from these people is that they have eternal hope through their faith. It echos one of my favourite sayings ‘It will be okay in the end, if it isn’t okay, then it isn’t the end’. I live my life in hope of a better future too, I just don’t use faith as my means of hope. I just can’t see the human race making it so bad that there is no coming back from it, even dystopia can be unhinged toward a more equal world and a better future to all, even post apocalypse. Perhaps it is faith, faith that all humans have good in them somewhere.

I Don’t Know the Word for it, But it isn’t Lost

I am swimming in a sea of confusion of what is and what isn’t. I can visualise many abstract concepts but those of faith dumbfound me. Why is that so? It’s like my dyscalculia, and dyspraxia, I have no issue with mathematics as long as I don’t need to visualise numbers or coordinates. I can count in units perfectly well, it’s multiples of the singular that confound me, if the problem requires large numbers I get all tangled up in groups of ones that nothing makes sense any more. I am useless with side to side, backwards and forwards, left and right, east and west, but have no problem with up and down or more or fewer dimensions.

I think this maybe why I am so drawn to theology, I cannot let go of logic and reasoning and so faith, religion and all that goes with it fascinates me. I was fool enough this morning to think that a deeper understanding of belief and truth would help me to learn what I do in fact believe. Unfortunately I cannot withdraw myself from the possibility that everything and nothing may exist or not. I have over generalised variability, everything is blurry and fuzzy. Someone mentioned Schroedinger’s Cat, the poor thing will forever be a zombie in my world! That radioisotope both has and hasn’t decayed continuously and both will and won’t forever.

I have been productive enough to add some more titles to my ‘must read’ list, for I feel so woefully under educated in things that can’t be explained by quantum decay and dynamics alone. Although that said, I am rather under educated there too! A lack of arithmetical ability is rather an arse when you’re trying to research subatomic physics.

I sit here typing while my youngest sleeps in her bouncy chair, her tiny little, sponge-like brain now processing the myriad experiences she has had today. Her first time in the shop across the road when I had to dash there with two smalls both with nappies that needed changing because I couldn’t find the wipes and I didn’t think to wash their bottoms with a flannel. Funny how mild panic can make you act. There she is, just a bundle of instincts and impulses, her curiosity is the most intense it will ever be because everything is so new to her. Not yet corrupted, still wide eyed and innocent, an almost blank slate, her story yet to be written.

Wriggles and Giggles

Today I will be mainly being mum, no one is giving me a minute to do anything I want to do. 5 month old is either giggling away while my 3 yr old wants something, or moaning at me for another feed. Teething and growth spurts are a tiring mix!

Last night I managed to listen to 3 hours of Aldous Huxley’s ‘A Brave New World’ and got a fair distance through the 9 point star blanket I am crocheting. What a wonderful story teller Huxley is, and what a disquieting novel! Between Huxley and Orwell such dystopian futures are more than just scary. Looking at the world we currently live in I can see the mixture of both dystopia in our future. Time to get the children watching Metropolis and playing Manic Street Preachers to them.

I have so much reading to do! 11 Umberto Eco, at least 5 political works, the Witness’ version of the Christian Bible. I need other religious texts and their various translations. My hunt is for the Vedas that became the written version of Hinduism, the oldest known religion on Earth. Obviously it wasn’t known as Hinduism until the Vedas were written in 1500 BCE, but the stories were handed down the generations for millennia before then apparently. I haven’t yet done a massive search, but I know that Ancient Egyptian and Western Pagan religious history goes back to at least 3000 BCE. I’m still a little sceptical of the claim of Hinduism, perhaps it is the oldest religion still practised today? Definitely more research needed.

Oh, the baby is asleep! I wonder what the toddler will demand of me if I put the baby down?


Beginning My Journey

A bit about myself. I am a 36 year old mother of 5, my eldest is 17 and my youngest is 6 months. I live with numerous mental ill health conditions, but I refuse to suffer them, although work outside of the home is an impossibility for me. Thankfully I find motherhood an easy challenge, and I cannot work for more than a few hours of volunteering as my middle child needs constant supervision and I am his full time carer. I have a wonderful fiancé who spends far too much time on his PC, but that suits me quite well because of my need for peace and quiet.

I have always had an interest in how things work and why things are, why things work and how they are. I flit between obsessions and am currently juggling three; politics, semiotics and theology, I am sure they will soon be joined by philosophy. A previous couple of obsessions have been psychiatry and psychology, so I can see myself drawing on what I have learned from them also in my new journey.

My starting point is of an atheist anarchist. My passion has been kindled from speaking with a couple of theologists and some Jehova Witnesses, while in the grip of trying to help the United Kingdom free herself from the grip of austerity through left wing thinking, and trying to understand the semiotics of propaganda. I think theology fits in with this very well in terms of organisation and propaganda.

I am going to try and start things from the beginning, working my way through Christianity from the book of Genesis, acquire religious texts of other beliefs, read Plato and other people on the origins of the state, research the greats of semiotics. Politics and religion have their roots firmly planted in the connections between signs and symbols and so semiotics is the obvious way to unravel the truth behind the writings, art works and theatrics of both. Both have a beginning, and I am sure both will have an end, be it the Wall Street apocalypse or the great tribulation. I want to talk with as many people as possible who know these subjects, and many more that connect in some way. But I can’t hold decent debates without at least a basic understanding of that which I am debating. So onward with my journey of discovery in a fascinating world of symbols and signs, words and hidden meanings. Dan Brown watch out, I may end up writing a blockbuster to rival The Da Vinci Code!